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The early hours of the morning can be especially dark and cruel when depression strikes.

My words written a few days ago in the early hours of the morning when depression descended like an uninvited guest. The depression eased, but only to give way to the frustration of insomnia. I must have dozed off for a few minutes, because I woke in sheer terror – hanging onto the duvet for dear life! I gave in and decided to get up!

My reasons for openly sharing my experiences of depression are to help get rid of the stigma that still surrounds mental illness and to help others, sufferers and those who provide support. But sometimes I need help and support myself (that’s nothing to be ashamed of) and I’m grateful for all my friends and family who provide this. I have bipolar disorder that is well-controlled, but sometimes depression becomes a struggle. Difficult personal circumstances and times of change don’t help. Stephen Fry and Russell Brand both suffer from bipolar disorder, and Russell Brand’s character and life well illustrates the manic aspect of this condition, as well as his addictive personality. We should cut him some slack!

The darkness of depression is exactly that, darkness. A darkness that excludes, and this includes the light of God. God’s presence is always with us (of course), but not always recognised. It’s a very dark place, one that those who haven’t been there can’t begin to imagine. So ‘well-meaning’ people can cause great harm, and ‘well-meaning’ Christians even more so if they suggest (directly or indirectly) that a lack of faith, trust (and the like) might be connected with the depression. The Church and some Christians can do guilt very well, so I seek to enlighten whenever possible.

Sometimes those of us with depression need to ‘pull ourselves together’. Picking yourself up and doing something is useful, going out for a walk is good, starting something creative is excellent (for example) for lifting the darkness of depression. Often the darkness is too deep though, the event horizon has been crossed. So telling someone in that situation to ‘pull themselves together’ or reminding them that ‘things could be worse’ (and the like) only makes things worse. Sometimes there are times when it just can’t be done, unfortunately this simply adds to the feelings of failure and hopelessness, and deepens the darkness. I’m learning when I need to allow myself to go with the flow and give in, and when to give myself a kick up the backside. Sometimes when I’m feeling very depressed I don’t feel like doing anything or going out, but I always feel better when I do.

For the person supporting, it’s having the sensitivity to know how and when to encourage moving towards the light. Just be there and support, it will be appreciated. Don’t pretend to understand if you’ve not been there, and NEVER tell someone to stop taking their medicine!

Often depression comes in the loneliness and darkness of the early hours of the morning, although depression can strike at any time, even in the middle of a sunny day! It can also last for long periods. The silence of the early hours can be a mixed blessing for me. At times I appreciate them, at other times they’re too much. It can be the time when the depression (that I may have been fighting all day) really hits. Sylvia Plath wrote (in The Bell Jar), The silence depressed me. It wasn’t the silence of silence. It was my own silence.

Fortunately, it’s not all dark. There is a positive life that can be lived with depression, and it’s possible to live a fulfilling life as well having the ability to help and support others. An important way forward for someone with depression is to build a network of people around them who understand and are supportive. It’s also important to seek appropriate medical help and (if possible) counselling. Insights from cognitive behavioural therapy can also help, as well as a better understanding of the causes of depression and things that help.

Someone with depression is more likely to compare themselves with other people and criticize themselves more harshly. Mind you, we all do it, and could benefit from silencing the inner critic sometimes – he/she can be a very harsh critic! Sometimes I feel like a failure, a waste of space and completely unloved. I know that’s not true.

Speaking directly to the person with depression: Remember that your feelings are just that, feelings. I understand that they become your reality, but that’s false! In the depth of your darkness, try and hold on to that truth. It’s not always easy, and just because I’ve been a Salvation Army Officer for over 30 years doesn’t mean I’ve got everything in my life sorted out, but I can live with that!

Note: the image Broken Flowers has been used within the terms of a Creative Commons license.

At the beginning of October I finished my final Open University course towards a BA (Honours) Humanities Degree, and I received the good news today that I had passed! I’ve been studying with the Open University for a long time, deliberately spreading it out and having already obtained a BA. It’s been a long hard road, but ultimately worth it! I would like to thank the Salvation Army for their financial and practical support, as well Marta and my family for sacrifices made. The picture is my final essay ready for the post. All my other essays were sent electronically, but this one had to go the old-fashioned way!