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The early hours of the morning can be especially dark and cruel when depression strikes.

My words written a few days ago in the early hours of the morning when depression descended like an uninvited guest. The depression eased, but only to give way to the frustration of insomnia. I must have dozed off for a few minutes, because I woke in sheer terror – hanging onto the duvet for dear life! I gave in and decided to get up!

My reasons for openly sharing my experiences of depression are to help get rid of the stigma that still surrounds mental illness and to help others, sufferers and those who provide support. But sometimes I need help and support myself (that’s nothing to be ashamed of) and I’m grateful for all my friends and family who provide this. I have bipolar disorder that is well-controlled, but sometimes depression becomes a struggle. Difficult personal circumstances and times of change don’t help. Stephen Fry and Russell Brand both suffer from bipolar disorder, and Russell Brand’s character and life well illustrates the manic aspect of this condition, as well as his addictive personality. We should cut him some slack!

The darkness of depression is exactly that, darkness. A darkness that excludes, and this includes the light of God. God’s presence is always with us (of course), but not always recognised. It’s a very dark place, one that those who haven’t been there can’t begin to imagine. So ‘well-meaning’ people can cause great harm, and ‘well-meaning’ Christians even more so if they suggest (directly or indirectly) that a lack of faith, trust (and the like) might be connected with the depression. The Church and some Christians can do guilt very well, so I seek to enlighten whenever possible.

Sometimes those of us with depression need to ‘pull ourselves together’. Picking yourself up and doing something is useful, going out for a walk is good, starting something creative is excellent (for example) for lifting the darkness of depression. Often the darkness is too deep though, the event horizon has been crossed. So telling someone in that situation to ‘pull themselves together’ or reminding them that ‘things could be worse’ (and the like) only makes things worse. Sometimes there are times when it just can’t be done, unfortunately this simply adds to the feelings of failure and hopelessness, and deepens the darkness. I’m learning when I need to allow myself to go with the flow and give in, and when to give myself a kick up the backside. Sometimes when I’m feeling very depressed I don’t feel like doing anything or going out, but I always feel better when I do.

For the person supporting, it’s having the sensitivity to know how and when to encourage moving towards the light. Just be there and support, it will be appreciated. Don’t pretend to understand if you’ve not been there, and NEVER tell someone to stop taking their medicine!

Often depression comes in the loneliness and darkness of the early hours of the morning, although depression can strike at any time, even in the middle of a sunny day! It can also last for long periods. The silence of the early hours can be a mixed blessing for me. At times I appreciate them, at other times they’re too much. It can be the time when the depression (that I may have been fighting all day) really hits. Sylvia Plath wrote (in The Bell Jar), The silence depressed me. It wasn’t the silence of silence. It was my own silence.

Fortunately, it’s not all dark. There is a positive life that can be lived with depression, and it’s possible to live a fulfilling life as well having the ability to help and support others. An important way forward for someone with depression is to build a network of people around them who understand and are supportive. It’s also important to seek appropriate medical help and (if possible) counselling. Insights from cognitive behavioural therapy can also help, as well as a better understanding of the causes of depression and things that help.

Someone with depression is more likely to compare themselves with other people and criticize themselves more harshly. Mind you, we all do it, and could benefit from silencing the inner critic sometimes – he/she can be a very harsh critic! Sometimes I feel like a failure, a waste of space and completely unloved. I know that’s not true.

Speaking directly to the person with depression: Remember that your feelings are just that, feelings. I understand that they become your reality, but that’s false! In the depth of your darkness, try and hold on to that truth. It’s not always easy, and just because I’ve been a Salvation Army Officer for over 30 years doesn’t mean I’ve got everything in my life sorted out, but I can live with that!

Note: the image Broken Flowers has been used within the terms of a Creative Commons license.

Those of you who know me and my personal circumstances will realise that the title of this post is something of an understatement! I can honestly say that the last six months have been the most difficult and challenging of my life. In the middle of November 2010 I had to face up to what can only be described as a life-changing event, which has had a profound effect: with implications for me as a person, for my mental health, and for my work. Consequently, there are implications for my future life and work.

I have previously written about my bipolar condition, and my mental health has not been good during this period – with the first two months being the most difficult, when I was plunged into the absolute depths of darkness and despair. The last four months have been better as I have come to terms with my situation, although there have been ups and downs. Some days I’ve been able to function fairly normally, with others when I’ve been extremely demotivated and depressed. Remember, depression is not just ‘feeling low’ (the sort of thing everyone experiences from time to time), but something that overwhelms you and takes over your whole being.

During this six months I’ve been ‘out of appointment’, meaning that I had to relinquish my responsibility for Leicester Central Corps of the Salvation Army. It wasn’t a period when I was out of work as such, because (when I could) I was able to fulfil some responsibilities as part of the chaplaincy team at the University of Leicester, as well as ecumenical, interfaith and other ‘work-related’ activities within the city. One of the very positive outcomes of the time has been the opportunity to regularly see a psychotherapist. He has helped me become very self-aware – something I can recommend for everyone, as there are so many people going through life without any real sense of who they are and why they react in the ways they do. I’ve been getting myself fit, especially through cycling (partly of necessity as I haven’t had a car for most of this period) and walking. Sometimes it was difficult to motivate myself, but always worth the effort when I did. I’ve also been able to use the time for reading, studying and writing, the latter having been very therapeutic and (at times) cathartic. I’ve also been very grateful for supportive family and friends through this time, with some of the latter only known to me online – but real friends nevertheless.

So, at the end of this six month period, how do I feel now? I feel positive! The Salvation Army has been very good to me, and I’m looking forward to the start of a new and exciting chapter of my life and ministry. Please feel free to get in touch with me – my contact details are readily available, and my mobile number is available on Facebook if we are friends.

Since my previous post I’ve provoked an important discussion about mental health issues, some of which has been conducted in public forums and some privately. I’ve added some bits and pieces at the end of my original post, but because these are life and death issues that touch people deeply, I repost them below:

I’ve used the expression ‘died by suicide’ because this is a far better way of describing suicide than the conventional usage. To ‘commit suicide’ harks back to a time when suicide was a crime and considered a sin by the church, it therefore inherently conveys a negative connotation of judgement.

Also, never say to someone who you think may be contemplating suicide, “You’ll won’t do anything stupid, will you?” – it’s such a dumb question, who’s going to say ‘Yes’ in reply? It’ll only make them feel worse about themselves! Just ask them if they feel suicidal! My view is that avoiding the issues, or dressing them up never helps! It’s also OK to approach and ask complete strangers if you feel they’re in danger! And, as a friend reminded me, asking someone if they feel suicidal won’t put the idea in their head if it’s not already there. Don’t be scared to ask!

I was really shocked and upset this morning to find out that Trevor Cologne (one of my Facebook friends in Australia) had died by suicide. He wrestled with mental health issues, and seems to have been failed by the Australian health system. I sent love, thoughts and prayers to all his family and friends. I didn’t know him in real life, but he was a great bloke and I’d have met up with him over coffee had I ever been in Adelaide!

It prompted me to post on Facebook: It’s about time mental illness is accepted as simply another physical illness. I’m not aware that the brain is unconnected to the rest of the body! Quite a discussion followed! Unfortunately you can’t put a bandage on mental illness, or a plaster for everyone to write their best wishes on, yet it’s very real and debilitating. But, because of the stigma that still surrounds mental health issues, those of us who experience them have a dilemma – do we keep them to ourselves or be honest about them with other people in order to aid understanding. Sadly, I lost followers on Twitter when I tweeted about my bipolar condition. I’ve only recently ‘outed’ myself because I realised I was contributing to the stigma and misunderstanding by hiding it. Anyone who thinks less of me as a result clearly has an issue they should seriously think about. Millions of normal people have mental health issues – get over it!

Since diagnosis 8 or 9 years ago I’ve only shared it selectively because I haven’t wanted people to treat me any differently. But I’ve found it difficult living with the basic contradiction at the heart of the matter. It hasn’t prevented me from working or fulfilling my vocation, but it’s a struggle at times. My condition makes me the person I am, I’m just a normal bloke – to which my true friends can jokingly answer (without hesitation) “Yeah, who are you kidding!”

Note: I’ve used the expression ‘died by suicide’ because this is a far better way of describing suicide than the conventional usage. To ‘commit suicide’ harks back to a time when suicide was a crime and considered a sin by the church, it therefore inherently conveys a negative connotation of judgement.

Also, never say to someone who you think may be contemplating suicide, “You’ll won’t do anything stupid, will you?” – it’s such a dumb question, who’s going to say ‘Yes’ in reply? It’ll only make them feel worse about themselves! Just ask them if they feel suicidal! My view is that avoiding the issues, or dressing them up never helps! It’s also OK to approach and ask complete strangers if you feel they’re in danger! And, as a friend reminded me, asking someone if they feel suicidal won’t put the idea in their head if it’s not already there. Don’t be scared to ask!

See also: Yeah, I’ve got issues! #whatstigma

Many of you know I’ve been doing more cycling in the last few months and generally getting fitter. Even though I say so myself, I’m not in bad shape for someone who’s 57 next month! Monday 30 May by the way, hint, hint! Anyway, back to my main point, I definitely feel the benefit of more exercise. But a few weeks ago I started getting mild palpitations and occasionally periods when my heart was missing every 5th or 6th beat, a little scary when it happens! So today I went for a routine ECG at Glenfield Hospital, and they let me out (to cycle home) so it can’t be too bad. Because I’m not getting any pain (or any other associated symptoms) my doctor feels probably my heart adjusting as it gets stronger, and (happily) I haven’t had any hint of it for a few days now – but better to be on the safe side! I get the full results in seven to ten days. Incidentally, Glenfield Hospital has a top class heart unit, but (ironically) the shop was full of chocolates and crisps!

On the day the government recommended that people cut back on red and processed meat to reduce their risk of getting cancer, it seemed appropriate to write about healthy eating and losing weight. I recently watched a BBC programme that presented 10 scientific facts to help us understand how our bodies and minds work.

The programme began with an examination of visceral (hidden) fat which accumulates around the organs of our abdomen and which causes various problems. But the good news is that it’s the first fat to be lost when we exercise and eat healthily. However, if we just go without food, the brain urges us to eat high-calorie food and this is counter-productive.

In brief, the 10 facts are these:

1. Don’t skip meals.

2. Use smaller plates.

3. Watch your calories, because even healthy food contains calories!

4. Don’t blame your metabolism!

5. Having a high protein breakfast staves off hunger pangs during the day.

6. Soup keeps you feeling fuller for longer.

7. The wider the choice, the more you eat.

8. Low fat dairy products actually help your body excrete fat.

9. Exercise burns fat for 24 hours, even when you’re asleep!

10. Keep moving to lose weight, small changes to activity levels can make a difference, but don’t eat more!

I’m currently trying to put these into practice in my everyday life, having recently returned my BMI to the normal range. See also Stretching Exercises!

An interesting hashtag appeared on Twitter today! In case you don’t know what a hashtag is, it’s basically a label to group similar topics together with clickable links. I had to find out what the hashtag #whatstigma was all about, especially because it was trending (a popular topic) in the UK. It turned out to be a campaign to end mental health discrimination, and you can find more about it on their site. People on Twitter who have mental health issues have been encouraged to tell the world today, with the hashtag #whatstigma at the end of the status update.

The website says: With hundreds of organisations and tens of thousands of individuals, Time to Change has built a movement for change that is having a real impact. Organisations across all sectors of society are getting involved.  Check out our new slideshow to see the organisations involved and what they have been up to! Whether you’re part of an organisation, or an individual who feels passionate about ending mental health discrimination, you can get involved today by setting up a campaign in your area or ordering free materials to help you spread the word.

There should be no stigma for those with mental health issues, millions of people cope with them every day and live perfectly normal lives. So I’m happy to add my voice: Yeah, I’ve got issues! #whatstigma

See also: Death of a Friend on Facebook

It was great to get out on my bike earlier today, for the first time in ages! I had to buy myself a new helmet, some suitable cycling trousers and sort out a few bits and pieces before being able to venture out again. I bought the bike while living in the Rhondda Valley in South Wales, and I certainly needed something rugged there! I’ve had many a scary moment riding down winding mountain tracks, some of which are used for WRC events (which I’ll write about on another occasion) and were driven on (and crashed on) by the legendary Colin McRae. You may know (from a previous post) that I’m trying to lose weight and improve my overall fitness, cycling is a wonderful way of doing this. Now to find my way round Leicester, but (after this morning’s ride) I may need a more comfortable saddle!

In response to my previous post, a friend sent me this! Thank you William! Hopefully I can sleep now!

It’s gone 2.30 am and I can’t sleep, but I can write about it. That’s not me by the way! Sometimes I sleep very well, but at the moment I’m going through a period of finding it difficult to fall asleep, and then I feel drained in the morning. Sleep is a friend I have fallen out with, I wish she would come back to me, writes Julia Darling, as she describes insomnia in her poem. Maybe you would like to share your experiences, I would love to hear from you. But for now, I’ll go and get some herbal tea!

Note: In response to this post a friend sent me a YouTube clip! Oh, and I just had water by the way!